Shelburne Falls retreat May 20-22nd

Our group will be going on retreat this weekend, if you are interested in joining, please see our post in the mailing list for details and sign-up information:

https://groups.google.com/d/topic/bsu30/jL4SgI_tD0U/discussion

Warrior

This past week (and some) I've been having a lot of trouble. It's been that little voice inside me saying, "it's too difficult," or "why bother?" My practice fell apart. I've been to social gatherings but avoided other people because it was easier. I felt that overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm not good enough to engage with these people. It's too much trouble to sit. That little voice that feeds me all of the excuses I need.

I feel like I've been really passive about it. "Oh, things are OK, but I don't really need to exert myself, things will sort themselves out." That depressive, "bleh" feeling that things kind of suck but it's too much work to make them better.

I'd forgotten what being a warrior is all about. I was reminded of that this evening. That, "oh, it's too hard," feeling isn't a mellow thought, it's a call to arms. It DEMANDS a roar of determination; if you do not overcome this self doubt, you are MISSING EVERYTHING. You are MISSING your life!

That fire, the passion, the curiosity; that is what being a warrior in Shambhala is all about. These opportunities that arise for us, the chances that life gives us to either say, "yeah, whatever," or to step up, to engage, even, and especially, when we're afraid. That is how you learn about yourself, about reality, and grow your own strength.

Fearlessness is the essence of being a warrior. Not in the sense of not being afraid, but moving beyond that fear, even though you're terrified.

Thank you, Valerie, for reminding me, for reminding all of us, that we need to turn towards the discomfort. That is where the heart of warriorship lies.

Lonely Lonely

Why do we feel lonely? Do we need some positive confirmation of our talents or personality from others? Is there a cultural expectation of always being or communicating with other people in some way while being alone is somewhat pitiful and synonymous with exclusion? When do we feel lonely? Is being alone the same as being lonely? Does it require physical separation from other beings, or do you often feel the most lonely when you are surrounded by people? When we feel lonely, is searching for comfort in company and social interaction always the best way to ameliorate it or is it sometimes an act of desperation?

Through meditation practice and infusing mindfulness into my life, I have tried to find inner strength and personal growth in being alone. In doing so, I have come to realize that my feelings of loneliness are more intermittent since I have found comfort in being myself and enjoying who I am. I am not saying that I don’t need anyone else in my life (certainly not!) or that I absolutely won’t turn to others for help or advice in great emotional distress, but I’m not constantly searching for something or someone, I don’t feel the need to always be surrounded by others, I appreciate the people in my life so much more, and I can give more of my attention and devotion to those I love since I am more comfortable with who I am.

We had an awesome discussion about loneliness at U30 last week. I thank everyone, especially Matt, for being so open, honest, hilarious (of course), and emotional. As soon as the topic was announced at the discussion, a few of my favorite songs immediately started playing in my head. Music has a powerful effect on me. These songs have truly helped me through some of the loneliest times in my life and sometimes I find that music can speak of my feelings better than I can myself. I wanted to share them hoping to better explain how I experience loneliness and being alone. At first I thought they were very cynical and self-defeating, but I think they are a proclamation of devotion to oneself for a while to really come to terms with habits of self-delusion, how you can be more of who you are, and figuring out what you want or don’t want…enjoying the journey all the while no matter what anyone thinks.

Andrew Bird – Lull
Music Video
Favorite Lyrics:
Being alone, it can be quite romantic
Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic
A fantastic voyage to parts unknown
Going to depths where the sun's never shone
And I fascinate myself when I'm alone

Rufus Wainwright – One Man Guy
Music Video
Favorite Lyrics:
People will know
when they see this show
The kind of a guy I am
They'll recognize just what I stand for
and what I just can't stand
They'll perceive what I believe in
What I know is true
And they'll recognize I'm a one man guy
Always was through and through
People meditate
Hey that's just great
Trying to find the inner you
People depend on family and friends
And other folks to pull them through
I don't know why I'm a one man guy
Or why I'm a one man show
But these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat are all I love and know